Posted in I"M STRESSED, Uncategorized

Jaden Smith

I’m a big fan of Jaden Smith. I think his music is good.

I think, more than that, he is entertaining. He is doing what he wants to do and that’s inspiring.

The guy owns a sustainable water company and a record label and is just very very cool.

I don’t have much else to say.

But: https://open.spotify.com/track/3Ju7HGke5GYEXUJ3YWGOry?si=G5IXiqPQT4aWcXyZxLOLdg

Listen.

I need to meditate.

I’m still just somewhat shannon, I’ll let you know if I figure out where the rest of me is.

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Posted in Uncategorized

fan mail

I wrote my first piece of fan mail two days ago and haven’t mailed it, yet it feels good to have the words on paper telling the artist (actor I guess) i enjoy why I enjoy him. Verbalizing it.

Idk.

That’s all.

Write someone you admire a letter

if you want.

Posted in Uncategorized

non- fiction.

I am essentially horrible at reading non-fiction books.

Not only is it difficult for me to stay focused but it’s difficult for me to understand what I am supposed to be gaining from them. It’s 2018 though and I think that reading is really important, so I’m going to start reading more and thinking while I read.

Thinking while I read is just focusing. Focusing on the words on the page and trying to benefit from them, not just skimming and wasting my time staring at the page.
This starts at the library.

 

This starts with Chapter 8 of Jon Truby’s “The Anatomy of Story” (the book I am currently “reading”)

I put quotes because have I even been reading?? Could I even tell you what the first 7 chapters are about??

Yes, I could. But I couldn’t tell you WHY or WHAT I GAINED or WHAT I LEARNED or even WHAT I AM GOING TO DO WITH THIS NEW INFORMATION.

 

SO here’s to reading this summer, and here’s to learning more.

but boyy do I love me some fiction (and a classic memoir)

Posted in cawlidge, feelings and shit, Life. My life.

freshman year.

I am currently in the final week of my freshman year of college, which feels entirely surreal.

A lot happened, and I learned a lot. I learned a lot about myself and I think that’s important, but I also know that I have so much more to learn, which is exciting.

I don’t have a lot to saw, just that this year went by really fast. I have watched a lot of Friday Night Lights this week, which made me miss high school and that hometown feeling.

I don’t feel at home here, yet.

I can give it some more time, I know that but this is hard.

I’m going home this summer and I am nervous. 

There’s a lot I want to be able to do and I honestly don’t trust myself to actually do it. And I don’t even have a specific plan which is even harder.

I need goals in mind that I can work to achieve, which I guess is the next step.

And I’m excited to see what sophomore year has for me. We’ll see though.

Posted in cawlidge, I"M STRESSED

Editing and some thoughts

As you can probably tell, I don’t edit my blog posts.

I don’t even think about them. My blog is really just aimless writings and thoughts about basically nothing. Things that are on my mind and such.

Right now it’s my poor english grade because I really am bad at writing sentences. Yeah.

That’s a fact. My history instructor even told me that. She basically asked me if I understood grammar… I don’t so a good question.

I have to teach myself. And soon. I’m already screwing over my grades in a lot of my classes.

I have 3 B’s and one is because I didn’t study enough for an exam, one is because of bad papers (not bad but not good) and one is because of bad papers…

I have to work harder and do more.

Commit more time to the things I don’t understand and seek out help for them. I have a really hard time admitting when I’m struggling

I’m currently writing this because I am putting off doing reading for history (really bad, I have an essay due and i have to read a book for it and I’m procrastinating really hard) and workshopping two of my classmates poems for my creative writing class.

I don’t edit or revise these because I really dread the process of looking back on something you have completed, but hey. I shouldn’t. It’s really important to reread stuff.

A lot of my papers and stuff for class have run on’s or missing words because i’m too lazy to just give it a quick read.

That’s SO bad.

But hey, working on it.

Maybe i’ll even read this one over.

 

Posted in Uncategorized

The Culture of Superheroes

I always question why human beings enjoy what they do.

Why do we fascinate and focus on sports as entertainment?

Why do we love superheroes so much??

Watching the trailer for Krypton, a new television show about DC comics Superman’s grandfather fighting for his planet, and the newly released Avengers: Infinity War a crossover of three different film franchises in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (Dr. Strange, The Avengers and The Guardians of the Galaxy)  we have to think about why people are entertained by these types of things.

Why do we keep making these movies and why do we keep consuming them?

There is a really interesting element of superhero films that develops people (actors) into these phenomenal powerful beings who, in fact, are not us. They are superhuman and sometimes alien and always unimaginably powerful.

For people, watching men fly and kick and punch and defeat a foe that attempts to destroy the world we know, we are reassured that humans have power and have control.

I’m saying, at the heart of it all, our human psyche, we are all control freaks in a way. We want the good guys to win, and we want a good story.

We want to watch violence and terror, so long as we aren’t the ones receiving it. Is it innate? Or is it cultural?

 

We may never, as humans, have the power and influence that Steve Rogers has to become Captain America. We may never be as smart as Tony Stark and craft Iron Man out of an idea. We don’t need to right now. What we need, right now, is to start taking control of our own life, and doing things with it that “save the day.” Save the day for someone else, or for yourself, but try your best to be super, instead of just watching other people do it.

Posted in Uncategorized

guns and peoples and some serious thoughts

I normally don’t address these types of things.

I honestly don’t really recognize social media as a great power. I know that nobody reads this, so maybe that’s why I think it’s okay.

This debate. This constantly occurring debate that has been recently brought to light by a big thing.This people vs guns debate. It’s a question asked where people have to make a choice. But why don’t we recognize that both answers are correct.

People are shooting the guns. They have greater killing power with guns, yes.

In nations where they have strict gun laws, less people die from mass shootings.

That’s a fact.

Why is America so different?

Why can’t we figure out that there are inherent issues in American citizens that push them to fight for guns. Killing devices in our schools. In the hands of people who are teaching our kids. Teach our teachers to shoot guns? Is that the best solution?

That’s teaching our kids that the only way to fight violence is with violence. Fire with fire. Guns with guns.

More guns isn’t going to help our kids learn that killing is wrong. More guns isn’t going to help our kids and parents feel safe in school. More guns isn’t going to kill less people.

Also, people are struggling to grasp the fact that mentally unstable white men are shooting up schools. It also can’t be the FBI seeing all these signs. It needs to be people in the community. The schools. Recognition of the fact that people are struggling needs to be an inherent skill that students are taught, even if they can’t always do something to stop it. We need to at least try

 

I saw a tweet the other day that read something like “People drink alcohol even though it’s illegal. People do drugs even though they are illegal. How is making guns illegal gonna keep people from using them?” and I was like yes. But drugs and alcohol are addictive substances. Guns aren’t. Guns are tools.

Making it harder for people to get guns has to help.

We have to hope it does.

Doing nothing sure isn’t helping.

Also, in terms of the debate around arming teachers, I would like to chime in. Arming teachers? Having MORE guns in schools?! Is that what we need. What if a student gets ahold of a teachers gun? And the same things happen.

Pay the teachers more to get training and have better ability to deal with students who are troubled. Help students know how to recognize signs of instability. Social workers and counselors- that can know and help every single student who might need it.

We have to at least try.

We- American citizens. We- American government.

Don’t let this be a moment that we talk about on social media and nothing happened.

This is somewhat incomplete. But what more do you expect.

Posted in nothing

I DON’T KNOW

I have a really hard time understanding my purpose.

My reason for being here. My reason to belong.

Sometimes its being funny. Making people laugh.

Sometimes its being kind and caring.

Sometimes its nothing.

Or it feels like that. I don’t know. Look at the fucking title.

I’m in my dorm room hating existence because I have no clue what I’m doing or what any of it is for? Me? hell no. My teachers? As if. My parents? I guess so… My pride? Maybe.

FUcking college. I’m unhappy sometimes and I just pretend like I’m not and end up like this. like fucking this. Just unhappy and crying and so unbelievably emotional but also it feeling melancholic because It doesn’t have a specific cause.

This is hard. This is so fucking hard. I don’t know what i’m doing and i feel like I am falling apart slowly and its just painful and in no way exciting or fun or fucking ANYTHING.

I’m nothing.

Is my purpose to just sit here in this messed up shit and be nothing and exist for nothing and feel nothing.

Except sadness. Right now I feel so sad.

Not like panic attack sad. I’m just crying and it’s just because I’m extremely sad. I can’t even leave my room to fill my water bottle because I’m so sad. And so alone. I have people here but they aren’t people I want to show this shit show side of me.

 

I am such a shit show and I am nothing. And I have nothing. Because nothing can’t own anything or know anyone or anything or feel fucking anything. I am nothing and maybe that’s going to have to be okay for now.

I’m not even somewhat myself anymore I think.

Posted in Uncategorized

The Only Living Girl In Ann Arbor

I recently watched the film The Only Living Boy In New York- starring Callum Turner- and I was very pleased.

Pleased? Why would I use that word? It was a really good movie. Like really good. I think a lot of the aspects of it that presented the main character as this Holden Caulfield- esc character who in a way felt above all of it but in face was just as caught up in it as everyone else.

it being life.

That’s my issue.

I see myself as the center of my little universe and when things get disturbed or when I am meant to question where I am in life it throws me off balance.

Again, that’s an issue. My issue. I don’t know how to deal with big things or little things that disrupt my small universe.

The small universe I am apart of.
I guess recognizing it is not my universe is the start of fixing the problem.

 

I guess that for now I am somewhat shannon- and I am not the only living girl in ann arbor, I am one of many, one who will do her best to always know that the universe I live in will exist with or without me- so I should cherish it while I have it.

a2-autumn1.jpg

Posted in Life. My life., Uncategorized

Grief

Sometimes it’s hard to recognize when you are hurting.
It’s hard to know why you are hurting, or where exactly.

Sometimes you know exactly why you are hurt.

Sometimes every part of your body, your mind, your heart is hurting because it’s going to be a while until you see someone you love.

Recently, my grandfather passed away.

I am in so much pain I want to curl up in a little ball even if that won’t help.

I want to cry. I want to cry all the time. I want to cry so much I run out of tears.

 

But I can’t. That’s the issue. I don’t know what to do with all of this HURT.

And it’s not anyone’s fault, I don’t blame anyone. I just want to know why and how and how to stop feeling this way.

How do I stop feeling everything so deeply and harshly but not being able to let it out?

Raymond Carver, my favorite poet, wrote short stories and poems, one that was entitled Grief.

Woke up early this morning and from my bed
looked far across the Strait to see
a small boat moving through the choppy water,
a single running light on. Remembered
my friend who used to shout
his dead wife’s name from hilltops
around Perugia. Who set a plate
for her at his simple table long after
she was gone. And opened the windows
so she could have fresh air. Such display
I found embarrassing. So did his other
friends. I couldn’t see it.
Not until this morning.

Raymond Carver
All of Us, The Collected Poems
Vintage Books

This poem doesn’t describe how I feel, but it might describe how others feel.

It’s scary to think that grief affects everyone differently, even if we all feel immense pain. Even if we all feel the same way we have to cope with it and let it out differently. The stages of grief cause us to do different things and be different kinds of people from the ones we want to be.

We just have to remember that everyone in some way feels this. You aren’t ever alone.

 

 

I miss you grandpa, I love you. I’m sorry I didn’t show you as best as I knew how when you were here.

Posted in Uncategorized

the hot goss

I hold the personal belief that it is very important to not love everyone.

By this I mean that it is important to hate people but of course hate is a strong word. I just mean that we can’t all like everyone, conflict creates progress in a lot of circumstances in the modern world we live in so having conflict through mutual dislike is somewhat crucial to the development of the crazy messed up world we live in.

Conflict can be seen as a physical fight or altercation (my favorite form of conflict) or conflict can be seen as shadily talking shit about people and other forms of gossip that people discourage but deep down inside are thrilled by.

I’m not afraid to admit I love gossip. Even irrelevant gossip. I don’t necessarily love drama but dramatic events and people create gossip. and again, I love gossip therefore by the transitive property I love drama.

It’s thrilling.

Yes, peoples feelings get hurt but honestly?? toughen up a little bit- sometimes, i’ll admit things can go too far, but talking about who is kissing who and things said in passing that were not necessarily kind ARE SO FUN to talk about and to hear.

As humans, we want to know about other humans.

There’s even a field of study for it. You know the field.

 

ANTHROPOLOGY. Humans studying other humans and their behavior.

Behavior like gossip but also behavior like why we do things and did things.

I should be an anthropologist because damn, I would get a lot of good gossip.

 

That’s all for now.

Still me.

Still somewhat shannon.