My mom and I recently had a conversation in which she said to me “I want you to be happy. Are you happy?”
I said no.
Being happy is a feeling I am familiar with. I was happy when I was voted captain of my field hockey team, and when I got a lead in a school play. I was happy when my sister surprised me and came home to see me.
I was happy when I liked my classes, schedule, friends and community.
I’m not happy anymore. I don’t know what happened.
Was it something I did wrong?
Did I push too many people away?
Did I gain weight because I was so stressed?
Part of my unhappiness is my insecurity, I think everyone could agree.
I’m good at speaking to a lot of people, put me on a stage and I will probably be alright, but when I meet a new person it all goes downhill. I don’t know what questions to ask them or what to even say. It sucks. It makes me unhappy.
I’m also fat. Not fat but “are you sure you should eat that?” sized. Trying on dresses for my senior prom stunk. I didn’t like looking at the sizes and seeing a cute dress that would be too small. I didn’t like taking of my clothes and putting on a dress just to look in the mirror and see my protruding stomach or chubby arms. I am unhappy because I don’t like the way I look.
I also just don’t like people. They’re narcissistic and rude and hypocritical. I don’t think I am not this way, but I have started to notice these qualities in everyone around my and that makes me extremely unhappy.
The world is a cruel place, I want to see it in a bright way but I can’t.
Mom, I am unhappy.
but I will try to be happier, I will try to smile more and laugh and find joy in the little things because I think the big things are weighing me down. I need to that, because I can’t handle being unhappy anymore.