I have a really hard time understanding my purpose.
My reason for being here. My reason to belong.
Sometimes its being funny. Making people laugh.
Sometimes its being kind and caring.
Sometimes its nothing.
Or it feels like that. I don’t know. Look at the fucking title.
I’m in my dorm room hating existence because I have no clue what I’m doing or what any of it is for? Me? hell no. My teachers? As if. My parents? I guess so… My pride? Maybe.
FUcking college. I’m unhappy sometimes and I just pretend like I’m not and end up like this. like fucking this. Just unhappy and crying and so unbelievably emotional but also it feeling melancholic because It doesn’t have a specific cause.
This is hard. This is so fucking hard. I don’t know what i’m doing and i feel like I am falling apart slowly and its just painful and in no way exciting or fun or fucking ANYTHING.
Is my purpose to just sit here in this messed up shit and be nothing and exist for nothing and feel nothing.
Except sadness. Right now I feel so sad.
Not like panic attack sad. I’m just crying and it’s just because I’m extremely sad. I can’t even leave my room to fill my water bottle because I’m so sad. And so alone. I have people here but they aren’t people I want to show this shit show side of me.
I am such a shit show and I am nothing. And I have nothing. Because nothing can’t own anything or know anyone or anything or feel fucking anything. I am nothing and maybe that’s going to have to be okay for now.
I’m not even somewhat myself anymore I think.