Posted in Life. My life., Uncategorized

Grief

Sometimes it’s hard to recognize when you are hurting.
It’s hard to know why you are hurting, or where exactly.

Sometimes you know exactly why you are hurt.

Sometimes every part of your body, your mind, your heart is hurting because it’s going to be a while until you see someone you love.

Recently, my grandfather passed away.

I am in so much pain I want to curl up in a little ball even if that won’t help.

I want to cry. I want to cry all the time. I want to cry so much I run out of tears.

 

But I can’t. That’s the issue. I don’t know what to do with all of this HURT.

And it’s not anyone’s fault, I don’t blame anyone. I just want to know why and how and how to stop feeling this way.

How do I stop feeling everything so deeply and harshly but not being able to let it out?

Raymond Carver, my favorite poet, wrote short stories and poems, one that was entitled Grief.

Woke up early this morning and from my bed
looked far across the Strait to see
a small boat moving through the choppy water,
a single running light on. Remembered
my friend who used to shout
his dead wife’s name from hilltops
around Perugia. Who set a plate
for her at his simple table long after
she was gone. And opened the windows
so she could have fresh air. Such display
I found embarrassing. So did his other
friends. I couldn’t see it.
Not until this morning.

Raymond Carver
All of Us, The Collected Poems
Vintage Books

This poem doesn’t describe how I feel, but it might describe how others feel.

It’s scary to think that grief affects everyone differently, even if we all feel immense pain. Even if we all feel the same way we have to cope with it and let it out differently. The stages of grief cause us to do different things and be different kinds of people from the ones we want to be.

We just have to remember that everyone in some way feels this. You aren’t ever alone.

 

 

I miss you grandpa, I love you. I’m sorry I didn’t show you as best as I knew how when you were here.

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Posted in Uncategorized

the hot goss

I hold the personal belief that it is very important to not love everyone.

By this I mean that it is important to hate people but of course hate is a strong word. I just mean that we can’t all like everyone, conflict creates progress in a lot of circumstances in the modern world we live in so having conflict through mutual dislike is somewhat crucial to the development of the crazy messed up world we live in.

Conflict can be seen as a physical fight or altercation (my favorite form of conflict) or conflict can be seen as shadily talking shit about people and other forms of gossip that people discourage but deep down inside are thrilled by.

I’m not afraid to admit I love gossip. Even irrelevant gossip. I don’t necessarily love drama but dramatic events and people create gossip. and again, I love gossip therefore by the transitive property I love drama.

It’s thrilling.

Yes, peoples feelings get hurt but honestly?? toughen up a little bit- sometimes, i’ll admit things can go too far, but talking about who is kissing who and things said in passing that were not necessarily kind ARE SO FUN to talk about and to hear.

As humans, we want to know about other humans.

There’s even a field of study for it. You know the field.

 

ANTHROPOLOGY. Humans studying other humans and their behavior.

Behavior like gossip but also behavior like why we do things and did things.

I should be an anthropologist because damn, I would get a lot of good gossip.

 

That’s all for now.

Still me.

Still somewhat shannon.

Posted in cawlidge, I"M STRESSED

AGH and other things

I’m here. College.

I am at college. We have started classes and I am a disorganized mess.

How do I get organized? I ask myself and then I go back to sleep because I am consistently tired and exhausted and not sure why I am here considering I am WAYYYY out of my depth and everything is so busy and bustling and I don’t know what I need to do.

I literally had three days of classes this week and am already freaking myself out.

I am auditioning (literally currently I am waiting to go in) for an improv comedy troupe because it is important to put yourself out there and be confident and yada yada yada I have no friends but would love to have some!

I need to find a way to be social! and active! and smile more! but all I can focus on right now is making sure I have all my books for my classes and that my room isn’t too messy because that would inconvenience my roommate. Oh and making sure that I eat well?? like I have to control what I eat and that’s hard. I also have to read so many books like how could I have to read SO MANY BOOKS. BUT I DO>
ALSO MY FLOSS IS UNDER MY MINI FRIDGE! I CAN’T GET IT OUT! I NEED TO FLOSS!!!!

I’m not yelling because apparently at college everyone is quiet and if that isn’t annoying enough I can’t even tell if the ‘friends’ I have made like me at all like wtf, stop pretending. but also what did i do to you?? LOVE ME?? honestly I just don’t get it.

 

Also nobody has got the gossip and that’s all I’m looking for.

Aka gimme gimme the GOSSIP.

I

Posted in I"M STRESSED, Life. My life., Uncategorized

bro.

I’m freaking out.

In less than a week, I leave for a whole month.

I will be gone for my dad’s birthday, my birthday, my cousin’s birthday.

I will be gone for the fourth of july.

I will be gone for so long, and I’m scared.

What if something bad happens to my family?

What if I hate everyone there??

That’s basically it.

 

I’m not packed at all and my room and closet are a mess also just so we are clear.

I also have no clue where my tennis shoes are which is concerning??

I am missing my favorite bra and have very few pairs of underwear and only one swimsuit but yea it’s whatever I am going to freak out now and calm down later hopefully.

Posted in feelings and shit, Uncategorized

You’re trying too hard.

It’s difficult to know when to stop. Or when to go.

It’s hard to tell how other people feel which is why sometimes I will talk so much my mouth gets tired and can only hope that’s what the person wanted to hear.

I try too hard to make friends. I try to make them smile and laugh and like me.

I don’t know when to stop. I just talk or make jokes and eventually it gets lost on them and my personality shines through.

My sad horrible personality.

I don’t know what to do when someone asks me a personal question.

I always answer in the hopes it will make us closer but immediatley regret letting that person in.

The thing is I need to talk to someone.

I need to tell someone how my date went or what my plans are for the week or what’s wrong.

I need someone to talk too who won’t go and share my secrets.

I need someone who loves me for me and doesn’t care that I get angry sometimes and talk too much and have an obnoxious laugh.

I need someone who likes that I try so hard, and maybe tries hard too,

Or maybe doesn’t try at all, which I do sometimes.

Sometimes its easier to completely shut someone out instead of letting them in or getting to know them.

I would rather just be content as myself with myself sometimes than have to deal with getting to know someone new and putting up a few barriers knowing it will be so easy to break them down.

 

Whatever.

It’s complicated because I know that you need to try sometimes, but I just can’t always do it.

I know that I need to shut down at sometimes, but I never know when to do it until after the moment has passed.

Again, whatever.

 

Posted in feelings and shit, Life. My life.

Love/I am terrified

The other day my dad had a conversation with me about marriage.

It was odd and out of the blue and I can’t stop thinking about it.

I don’t want to be the kind of person who says she doesn’t believe in love. That’s not true.

I know my parents love each other, and my siblings love me and I love them.

Romantic love exists but I think it’s a little scary. The only times I have seen people fall in love have been in movies, and I know that my life won’t be like that.

I think I’m scared of the future. I don’t want to get trapped. I want people to like me but I barely even like myself.

How am I going to do all the things adults are supposed to do? How am I supposed to enjoy life in the real world if I can’t stand my life now? In my sheltered home?

 

All I know is I am absolutely terrified. The future is scary and so is moving on and so is not knowing what to do or where to go.

 

Posted in feelings and shit, Life. My life.

WHY?

A question I ask myself everyday.

I ask myself this for various reasons.

Why did I walk so quickly to class? Why did I not tell that teacher I wasn’t going to be in class tomorrow? Why did I not do that homework? Why am I so awkward? Why did I just forget to text that person back?

The current major why in my life is not too major, but major enough that I am writing a bad blog post about it. I’m realizing now that I will look back on this and probably laugh at myself but whatever I guess.

Why do I like a boy two years younger than me?

A quick note: This boy is straight up exactly two years younger than me. We share a birthday.

I mean I guess part of the answer is obvious. He is cute and tall and super nice and has a good voice and an odd laugh. We became friends super easily and he makes me laugh.

But part of the answer isn’t. I have liked him for a year. And it started as me joke liking him and then grew into me actually liking him, which was bad and pretty awkward but he was really easy to talk to and straight up with me. I’m pretty sure he straight up texted me and asked me if I liked him. I said yes.

And I did. And we were sort of a thing for a little bit and then it got weird, because having a boy like you back is weird. And I did what I have done in the past which is get super awkward and self-conscious and just shut him out.

And to make matters worse, my friend wrote me a really nice and sweet note and basically made me feel like maybe I liked him? And maybe this younger boy was too young? And maybe I should just fall off the face of the earth?

Okay. That was an extreme. What I am saying is that I liked this younger boy and then shut him out and then was like “wait do I like him” after I told him I didn’t like him. What does this mean? Why do I do that?

Why have I not been able to have another actual crush since him?

I haven’t. That’s a fact.

Like I have obviously thought other boys were cute and stuff, but like someone who I genuinely pursued. Nope, no way.

I don’t know what I did. I don’t know why I did it. All I know is I’m confused and I think I have to get over him.

But I don’t know how. And I don’t know if I want too.

 

There are a lot of things that I wish I knew:

I wish I knew how to get acne off my face.

I wish I knew how to make better friends.

I wish I knew what college to go too.

I wish I knew how to deal with liking this younger boy.

I wish I knew what to do.

 

That seemed like a good ending, but I decided to read some wiki how articles and will link them below:

http://www.wikihow.com/Forget-Your-Crush

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Your-Crush-to-Like-You

 

I just realized that there is a potential the boy will see this post and know it is about him. Oh well. Maybe. This will be deleted at some point unless I forget about this blog.

Posted in I"M STRESSED, Life. My life.

I’M CODEPENDENT

On my phone.

So is everyone in this generation. But I’m criminally aware of this codependence right now.

You want to know why?

I broke it.

The screen is falling off. The back metal whatever part is bent. Like a bend is in the metal. AND to top it off the home button and finger recognition hasn’t worked for ever. Oh plus, the cherry on top…*cue drumroll*

THE BOTTOM HALF OF THE TOUCH SCREEN DOES NOT WORK.

The live studio audience is laughing but I am in despair.

I can’t do anything.

My life is on my phone, my friends, my contacts, my pictures, and now its just BROKEN.

Plus like you know I don’t got the money to replace it.

I have $0.59 in my bank account.

That’s it. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO.
I’m so stressed right now. I feel lost and confused and yea maybe this is better for me but also I don’t want to be bored all day in school tomorrow and confused and upset.
AGHHHH.

This is life I guess. Bad and cruel.

I understand I am overreacting, but please, just drop your phone and dunk it in some water and slam it in a car door and tell me how you’re feeling.

Posted in feelings and shit, Life. My life.

Happiness

My mom and I recently had a conversation in which she said to me “I want you to be happy. Are you happy?”

 

I said no.

Being happy is a feeling I am familiar with. I was happy when I was voted captain of my field hockey team, and when I got a lead in a school play. I was happy when my sister surprised me and came home to see me.

I was happy when I liked my classes, schedule, friends and community.

I’m not happy anymore. I don’t know what happened.

Was it something I did wrong?

Did I push too many people away?

Did I gain weight because I was so stressed?
Part of my unhappiness is my insecurity, I think everyone could agree.

I’m good at speaking to a lot of people, put me on a stage and I will probably be alright, but when I meet a new person it all goes downhill. I don’t know what questions to ask them or what to even say. It sucks. It makes me unhappy.

I’m also fat. Not fat but “are you sure you should eat that?” sized. Trying on dresses for my senior prom stunk. I didn’t like looking at the sizes and seeing a cute dress that would be too small. I didn’t like taking of my clothes and putting on a dress just to look in the mirror and see my protruding stomach or chubby arms.  I am unhappy because I don’t like the way I look.

I also just don’t like people. They’re narcissistic and rude and hypocritical. I don’t think I am not this way, but I have started to notice these qualities in everyone around my and that makes me extremely unhappy.

The world is a cruel place, I want to see it in a bright way but I can’t.

Mom,  I am unhappy.

but I will try to be happier, I will try to smile more and laugh and find joy in the little things because I think the big things are weighing me down. I need to that, because I can’t handle being unhappy anymore.

It hurts.

somewhat shannon

Posted in cawlidge, Life. My life.

decisions

I am a very indecisive person.

I have trouble choosing what shoes to wear, or what kind of ice cream to get.

Big decisions are even harder.

Big decisions i.e. college.

College. The next four years of my life. My future.

I’m stressed. This is a big choice. I don’t want to mess it up.

This decision is prompted by the impending date that is May 1st. When I will NEED to know.

I have 4 schools that I am seriously still looking at. I think.

Penn State University- both of my sisters went, club field hockey, far but not too far, big, party school, lots of options, Ice hockey team

Indiana University- still big, club field hockey, far but not too far, pretty (like so pretty), nice college town, diverse foods, language department huge

University of Dayton- close, friends going… literally idk I applied because one of my teachers told me I would like it (he was also  an alum so can I trust him??)

Centre College- far, small, D3 field hockey, nice people, pretty

The issue is no matter where I go, I will be outside my comfort zone.

I will have to adapt. I will have to change. What if I don’t want to change? What if I like who I am now? I’m not perfect but nobody is and that’s okay so why do I have to make myself different? To fit in. To make friends. To become who I am meant to be.

Maybe.

This is a big decision and I don’t know if I have it in me to make the right choice.

Posted in Uncategorized

Books and Emotions

image
I’m currently on spring break.

I’m not partying in Mexico or tanning in Florida. I’m in a car, on my way to a visit at a college I have very little intent to attend.

In the car, and on the car trip to Chicago over the weekend, I have been reading. I just finished the second book.

I’ll give you the sun by Jandy Nelson and We All Looked Up by Tommy Wallach. Both books were very interesting. Both were heartbreaking. Both had multiple compelling characters. Both made me want to cry. I didn’t cry though.

What does my lack of ability to cry say. I can’t cry anymore unless its about my meaningless problems and potentially my meaningless existence.

I guess I am afraid that if I only cry about my own problems I will become less sympathetic for others, which I don’t want at all.

I recognize that nobody will read this. That’s good. I just needed it to be out there. Pain and heartbreak hurt more in your own life, maybe because I have never truly experienced the sad and bad and fucked up things the characters in these books- these stories- have. I’m okay with that.

 

Posted in MOVIES

Why Wes Anderson is wonderful and I am not.

Wes Anderson has made some art.

This is a fact.

Moonrise Kingdom is one of my favorite movies. Fantastic Mr. Fox is honestly genius. The Grand Budapest Hotel can’t fail to make me happy.

 

fantastic mr fox
bogus bunce and bean

The issue is I do NOT like Owen Wilson, and he is in a lot of Wes Anderson films. So is Jason Schwartzman, but I love Jason Schwarztman.

 

Jason Schwartzmann
yay for jason//the best

I love his use of wide shots and then close ups. I love the symmetrical framing.I love the quick cuts. I love the characters in his movies. I love that I feel real emotions when I’m watching his movies.

He is the only director whose style I can really recognize, and I like that.

He is wonderful.

I say that I am not because I don’t think I can do what he does.

I can’t move people to emotion, unless that emotion is laughter or disdain I think.

I don’t really know how to create art, or what the best aspects of art are. I don’t understand how people are so creative to create wonderful and unique things like movies or books or paintings.

I will never be a complex Wes Anderson lead or even a minor clever or witty background character. I will just be a bitch that people don’t like because they don’t care to see my perspective or because, perhaps, I AM a bitch- which I guess would be okay

.

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