Posted in Uncategorized

a movie i saw.

i didn’t grow up in the 90’s. Like at all. I’m not even a 90’s baby.

 

That doesn’t mean that Jonah Hill’s mid90s didn’t strike a distinct chord in me. I felt the nostalgia but i also felt the humanity.
The film itself resembles an older movie, shot entirely on 16 mm film. The star of the film is debatably Stevie, portrayed by Sunny Suljic, but could easily be any member of the movie. That’s the thing.
Every character has a story you want to know more about, Stevie’s is simply the version you get.

The movie distinctly plays the characters solely from their relationship to Stevie. You don’t really see a scene without him being involved. It’s what he sees, what he does, who he’s with, and how he watches them live.

 

It’s a story about fitting in and growing up fast. It’s a story about family. It’s a story about love really, and it has a romantic ending, with the fruit of the character Fourth Grade’s labor finally coming through in a culminating film, something he has been making for the entirety of the movie. He makes his own movie. That was his goal, to be a filmmaker, and in his dream, we see the growth of his friends, their distinct place in the mid 90’s.

Hat’s off to Jonah Hill and the entirety of the creators of mid90s.

I know myself a little better know, how I fit in my friend group and how I don’t. I know my limits and I know that I can test them.

Maybe I can get hit a little harder so long as the right people are with me.  Maybe I can’t.

Go see the movie though.

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Posted in Uncategorized

Writing.

My goal for this year, like my year as a 19 year old was to write more.

And I’m honestly not doing it.

I’m journaling more often I guess, and writing for school but it’s really not all that substantial. I think that if I want to be a good writer I have to work out the kinks and maybe just do it (austin kleon always reminds me of that).
Today I read through his newsletter and I had to think about how honestly epic he is. And it’s just because he is constantly creating and consuming.

I will admit we both have pressures on time we have to create and consume, mine being school and sports and his being his son and events and family and all that important stuff. I just think that sometimes I need to focus less on what little time I have and more on the time I DO have. And use it for what I find useful.

I’m not all that productive- yet.
I just have to make little steps.

Like writing this blog post and then going back to studying for polish and not taking a break until I actually feel like I have learned more POLISH.

that’s it. yep.

 

It’s almost Halloween, maybe I’ll dress up as slightly more Shannon.

But probably not.

 

Posted in Uncategorized

who I want to be

I want to be someone who wakes up early to greet the day.

I want to watch sunrises not to take a picture but to stand in glory of the earth.

I want to bake bread and cookies and a birthday cake.

I want to be someone who gets good grades and has friendships that are meaningful and intentional and impactful.

I want to have a sense of style or fashion or something that compells me to not just throw on a t shirt aimlessly.

I want to listen to lots of music, on high quality headphones.

I want to contact friends and let them know how loved they are.

I want to get good sleep, and not be afraid of the noise outside my window.
I want to listen and truly hear. I want to talk and be heard. I want noise to mean something. And I want to be grateful for silences.

Maybe this is who I want to be. Maybe it’s not who I need to be.

I’ll just have to try.

Posted in I"M STRESSED, Uncategorized

Jaden Smith

I’m a big fan of Jaden Smith. I think his music is good.

I think, more than that, he is entertaining. He is doing what he wants to do and that’s inspiring.

The guy owns a sustainable water company and a record label and is just very very cool.

I don’t have much else to say.

But: https://open.spotify.com/track/3Ju7HGke5GYEXUJ3YWGOry?si=G5IXiqPQT4aWcXyZxLOLdg

Listen.

I need to meditate.

I’m still just somewhat shannon, I’ll let you know if I figure out where the rest of me is.

Posted in Uncategorized

fan mail

I wrote my first piece of fan mail two days ago and haven’t mailed it, yet it feels good to have the words on paper telling the artist (actor I guess) i enjoy why I enjoy him. Verbalizing it.

Idk.

That’s all.

Write someone you admire a letter

if you want.

Posted in Uncategorized

non- fiction.

I am essentially horrible at reading non-fiction books.

Not only is it difficult for me to stay focused but it’s difficult for me to understand what I am supposed to be gaining from them. It’s 2018 though and I think that reading is really important, so I’m going to start reading more and thinking while I read.

Thinking while I read is just focusing. Focusing on the words on the page and trying to benefit from them, not just skimming and wasting my time staring at the page.
This starts at the library.

 

This starts with Chapter 8 of Jon Truby’s “The Anatomy of Story” (the book I am currently “reading”)

I put quotes because have I even been reading?? Could I even tell you what the first 7 chapters are about??

Yes, I could. But I couldn’t tell you WHY or WHAT I GAINED or WHAT I LEARNED or even WHAT I AM GOING TO DO WITH THIS NEW INFORMATION.

 

SO here’s to reading this summer, and here’s to learning more.

but boyy do I love me some fiction (and a classic memoir)

Posted in cawlidge, feelings and shit, Life. My life.

freshman year.

I am currently in the final week of my freshman year of college, which feels entirely surreal.

A lot happened, and I learned a lot. I learned a lot about myself and I think that’s important, but I also know that I have so much more to learn, which is exciting.

I don’t have a lot to saw, just that this year went by really fast. I have watched a lot of Friday Night Lights this week, which made me miss high school and that hometown feeling.

I don’t feel at home here, yet.

I can give it some more time, I know that but this is hard.

I’m going home this summer and I am nervous. 

There’s a lot I want to be able to do and I honestly don’t trust myself to actually do it. And I don’t even have a specific plan which is even harder.

I need goals in mind that I can work to achieve, which I guess is the next step.

And I’m excited to see what sophomore year has for me. We’ll see though.

Posted in cawlidge, I"M STRESSED

Editing and some thoughts

As you can probably tell, I don’t edit my blog posts.

I don’t even think about them. My blog is really just aimless writings and thoughts about basically nothing. Things that are on my mind and such.

Right now it’s my poor english grade because I really am bad at writing sentences. Yeah.

That’s a fact. My history instructor even told me that. She basically asked me if I understood grammar… I don’t so a good question.

I have to teach myself. And soon. I’m already screwing over my grades in a lot of my classes.

I have 3 B’s and one is because I didn’t study enough for an exam, one is because of bad papers (not bad but not good) and one is because of bad papers…

I have to work harder and do more.

Commit more time to the things I don’t understand and seek out help for them. I have a really hard time admitting when I’m struggling

I’m currently writing this because I am putting off doing reading for history (really bad, I have an essay due and i have to read a book for it and I’m procrastinating really hard) and workshopping two of my classmates poems for my creative writing class.

I don’t edit or revise these because I really dread the process of looking back on something you have completed, but hey. I shouldn’t. It’s really important to reread stuff.

A lot of my papers and stuff for class have run on’s or missing words because i’m too lazy to just give it a quick read.

That’s SO bad.

But hey, working on it.

Maybe i’ll even read this one over.

 

Posted in Uncategorized

The Culture of Superheroes

I always question why human beings enjoy what they do.

Why do we fascinate and focus on sports as entertainment?

Why do we love superheroes so much??

Watching the trailer for Krypton, a new television show about DC comics Superman’s grandfather fighting for his planet, and the newly released Avengers: Infinity War a crossover of three different film franchises in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (Dr. Strange, The Avengers and The Guardians of the Galaxy)  we have to think about why people are entertained by these types of things.

Why do we keep making these movies and why do we keep consuming them?

There is a really interesting element of superhero films that develops people (actors) into these phenomenal powerful beings who, in fact, are not us. They are superhuman and sometimes alien and always unimaginably powerful.

For people, watching men fly and kick and punch and defeat a foe that attempts to destroy the world we know, we are reassured that humans have power and have control.

I’m saying, at the heart of it all, our human psyche, we are all control freaks in a way. We want the good guys to win, and we want a good story.

We want to watch violence and terror, so long as we aren’t the ones receiving it. Is it innate? Or is it cultural?

 

We may never, as humans, have the power and influence that Steve Rogers has to become Captain America. We may never be as smart as Tony Stark and craft Iron Man out of an idea. We don’t need to right now. What we need, right now, is to start taking control of our own life, and doing things with it that “save the day.” Save the day for someone else, or for yourself, but try your best to be super, instead of just watching other people do it.

Posted in Uncategorized

guns and peoples and some serious thoughts

I normally don’t address these types of things.

I honestly don’t really recognize social media as a great power. I know that nobody reads this, so maybe that’s why I think it’s okay.

This debate. This constantly occurring debate that has been recently brought to light by a big thing.This people vs guns debate. It’s a question asked where people have to make a choice. But why don’t we recognize that both answers are correct.

People are shooting the guns. They have greater killing power with guns, yes.

In nations where they have strict gun laws, less people die from mass shootings.

That’s a fact.

Why is America so different?

Why can’t we figure out that there are inherent issues in American citizens that push them to fight for guns. Killing devices in our schools. In the hands of people who are teaching our kids. Teach our teachers to shoot guns? Is that the best solution?

That’s teaching our kids that the only way to fight violence is with violence. Fire with fire. Guns with guns.

More guns isn’t going to help our kids learn that killing is wrong. More guns isn’t going to help our kids and parents feel safe in school. More guns isn’t going to kill less people.

Also, people are struggling to grasp the fact that mentally unstable white men are shooting up schools. It also can’t be the FBI seeing all these signs. It needs to be people in the community. The schools. Recognition of the fact that people are struggling needs to be an inherent skill that students are taught, even if they can’t always do something to stop it. We need to at least try

 

I saw a tweet the other day that read something like “People drink alcohol even though it’s illegal. People do drugs even though they are illegal. How is making guns illegal gonna keep people from using them?” and I was like yes. But drugs and alcohol are addictive substances. Guns aren’t. Guns are tools.

Making it harder for people to get guns has to help.

We have to hope it does.

Doing nothing sure isn’t helping.

Also, in terms of the debate around arming teachers, I would like to chime in. Arming teachers? Having MORE guns in schools?! Is that what we need. What if a student gets ahold of a teachers gun? And the same things happen.

Pay the teachers more to get training and have better ability to deal with students who are troubled. Help students know how to recognize signs of instability. Social workers and counselors- that can know and help every single student who might need it.

We have to at least try.

We- American citizens. We- American government.

Don’t let this be a moment that we talk about on social media and nothing happened.

This is somewhat incomplete. But what more do you expect.

Posted in nothing

I DON’T KNOW

I have a really hard time understanding my purpose.

My reason for being here. My reason to belong.

Sometimes its being funny. Making people laugh.

Sometimes its being kind and caring.

Sometimes its nothing.

Or it feels like that. I don’t know. Look at the fucking title.

I’m in my dorm room hating existence because I have no clue what I’m doing or what any of it is for? Me? hell no. My teachers? As if. My parents? I guess so… My pride? Maybe.

FUcking college. I’m unhappy sometimes and I just pretend like I’m not and end up like this. like fucking this. Just unhappy and crying and so unbelievably emotional but also it feeling melancholic because It doesn’t have a specific cause.

This is hard. This is so fucking hard. I don’t know what i’m doing and i feel like I am falling apart slowly and its just painful and in no way exciting or fun or fucking ANYTHING.

I’m nothing.

Is my purpose to just sit here in this messed up shit and be nothing and exist for nothing and feel nothing.

Except sadness. Right now I feel so sad.

Not like panic attack sad. I’m just crying and it’s just because I’m extremely sad. I can’t even leave my room to fill my water bottle because I’m so sad. And so alone. I have people here but they aren’t people I want to show this shit show side of me.

 

I am such a shit show and I am nothing. And I have nothing. Because nothing can’t own anything or know anyone or anything or feel fucking anything. I am nothing and maybe that’s going to have to be okay for now.

I’m not even somewhat myself anymore I think.