Posted in cawlidge, feelings and shit, Life. My life.

freshman year.

I am currently in the final week of my freshman year of college, which feels entirely surreal.

A lot happened, and I learned a lot. I learned a lot about myself and I think that’s important, but I also know that I have so much more to learn, which is exciting.

I don’t have a lot to saw, just that this year went by really fast. I have watched a lot of Friday Night Lights this week, which made me miss high school and that hometown feeling.

I don’t feel at home here, yet.

I can give it some more time, I know that but this is hard.

I’m going home this summer and I am nervous. 

There’s a lot I want to be able to do and I honestly don’t trust myself to actually do it. And I don’t even have a specific plan which is even harder.

I need goals in mind that I can work to achieve, which I guess is the next step.

And I’m excited to see what sophomore year has for me. We’ll see though.

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Posted in cawlidge, I"M STRESSED

Editing and some thoughts

As you can probably tell, I don’t edit my blog posts.

I don’t even think about them. My blog is really just aimless writings and thoughts about basically nothing. Things that are on my mind and such.

Right now it’s my poor english grade because I really am bad at writing sentences. Yeah.

That’s a fact. My history instructor even told me that. She basically asked me if I understood grammar… I don’t so a good question.

I have to teach myself. And soon. I’m already screwing over my grades in a lot of my classes.

I have 3 B’s and one is because I didn’t study enough for an exam, one is because of bad papers (not bad but not good) and one is because of bad papers…

I have to work harder and do more.

Commit more time to the things I don’t understand and seek out help for them. I have a really hard time admitting when I’m struggling

I’m currently writing this because I am putting off doing reading for history (really bad, I have an essay due and i have to read a book for it and I’m procrastinating really hard) and workshopping two of my classmates poems for my creative writing class.

I don’t edit or revise these because I really dread the process of looking back on something you have completed, but hey. I shouldn’t. It’s really important to reread stuff.

A lot of my papers and stuff for class have run on’s or missing words because i’m too lazy to just give it a quick read.

That’s SO bad.

But hey, working on it.

Maybe i’ll even read this one over.

 

Posted in cawlidge, I"M STRESSED

AGH and other things

I’m here. College.

I am at college. We have started classes and I am a disorganized mess.

How do I get organized? I ask myself and then I go back to sleep because I am consistently tired and exhausted and not sure why I am here considering I am WAYYYY out of my depth and everything is so busy and bustling and I don’t know what I need to do.

I literally had three days of classes this week and am already freaking myself out.

I am auditioning (literally currently I am waiting to go in) for an improv comedy troupe because it is important to put yourself out there and be confident and yada yada yada I have no friends but would love to have some!

I need to find a way to be social! and active! and smile more! but all I can focus on right now is making sure I have all my books for my classes and that my room isn’t too messy because that would inconvenience my roommate. Oh and making sure that I eat well?? like I have to control what I eat and that’s hard. I also have to read so many books like how could I have to read SO MANY BOOKS. BUT I DO>
ALSO MY FLOSS IS UNDER MY MINI FRIDGE! I CAN’T GET IT OUT! I NEED TO FLOSS!!!!

I’m not yelling because apparently at college everyone is quiet and if that isn’t annoying enough I can’t even tell if the ‘friends’ I have made like me at all like wtf, stop pretending. but also what did i do to you?? LOVE ME?? honestly I just don’t get it.

 

Also nobody has got the gossip and that’s all I’m looking for.

Aka gimme gimme the GOSSIP.

I

Posted in cawlidge, Life. My life.

decisions

I am a very indecisive person.

I have trouble choosing what shoes to wear, or what kind of ice cream to get.

Big decisions are even harder.

Big decisions i.e. college.

College. The next four years of my life. My future.

I’m stressed. This is a big choice. I don’t want to mess it up.

This decision is prompted by the impending date that is May 1st. When I will NEED to know.

I have 4 schools that I am seriously still looking at. I think.

Penn State University- both of my sisters went, club field hockey, far but not too far, big, party school, lots of options, Ice hockey team

Indiana University- still big, club field hockey, far but not too far, pretty (like so pretty), nice college town, diverse foods, language department huge

University of Dayton- close, friends going… literally idk I applied because one of my teachers told me I would like it (he was also  an alum so can I trust him??)

Centre College- far, small, D3 field hockey, nice people, pretty

The issue is no matter where I go, I will be outside my comfort zone.

I will have to adapt. I will have to change. What if I don’t want to change? What if I like who I am now? I’m not perfect but nobody is and that’s okay so why do I have to make myself different? To fit in. To make friends. To become who I am meant to be.

Maybe.

This is a big decision and I don’t know if I have it in me to make the right choice.