Posted in feelings and shit, Uncategorized

You’re trying too hard.

It’s difficult to know when to stop. Or when to go.

It’s hard to tell how other people feel which is why sometimes I will talk so much my mouth gets tired and can only hope that’s what the person wanted to hear.

I try too hard to make friends. I try to make them smile and laugh and like me.

I don’t know when to stop. I just talk or make jokes and eventually it gets lost on them and my personality shines through.

My sad horrible personality.

I don’t know what to do when someone asks me a personal question.

I always answer in the hopes it will make us closer but immediatley regret letting that person in.

The thing is I need to talk to someone.

I need to tell someone how my date went or what my plans are for the week or what’s wrong.

I need someone to talk too who won’t go and share my secrets.

I need someone who loves me for me and doesn’t care that I get angry sometimes and talk too much and have an obnoxious laugh.

I need someone who likes that I try so hard, and maybe tries hard too,

Or maybe doesn’t try at all, which I do sometimes.

Sometimes its easier to completely shut someone out instead of letting them in or getting to know them.

I would rather just be content as myself with myself sometimes than have to deal with getting to know someone new and putting up a few barriers knowing it will be so easy to break them down.

 

Whatever.

It’s complicated because I know that you need to try sometimes, but I just can’t always do it.

I know that I need to shut down at sometimes, but I never know when to do it until after the moment has passed.

Again, whatever.

 

Posted in feelings and shit, Life. My life.

Love/I am terrified

The other day my dad had a conversation with me about marriage.

It was odd and out of the blue and I can’t stop thinking about it.

I don’t want to be the kind of person who says she doesn’t believe in love. That’s not true.

I know my parents love each other, and my siblings love me and I love them.

Romantic love exists but I think it’s a little scary. The only times I have seen people fall in love have been in movies, and I know that my life won’t be like that.

I think I’m scared of the future. I don’t want to get trapped. I want people to like me but I barely even like myself.

How am I going to do all the things adults are supposed to do? How am I supposed to enjoy life in the real world if I can’t stand my life now? In my sheltered home?

 

All I know is I am absolutely terrified. The future is scary and so is moving on and so is not knowing what to do or where to go.

 

Posted in feelings and shit, Life. My life.

WHY?

A question I ask myself everyday.

I ask myself this for various reasons.

Why did I walk so quickly to class? Why did I not tell that teacher I wasn’t going to be in class tomorrow? Why did I not do that homework? Why am I so awkward? Why did I just forget to text that person back?

The current major why in my life is not too major, but major enough that I am writing a bad blog post about it. I’m realizing now that I will look back on this and probably laugh at myself but whatever I guess.

Why do I like a boy two years younger than me?

A quick note: This boy is straight up exactly two years younger than me. We share a birthday.

I mean I guess part of the answer is obvious. He is cute and tall and super nice and has a good voice and an odd laugh. We became friends super easily and he makes me laugh.

But part of the answer isn’t. I have liked him for a year. And it started as me joke liking him and then grew into me actually liking him, which was bad and pretty awkward but he was really easy to talk to and straight up with me. I’m pretty sure he straight up texted me and asked me if I liked him. I said yes.

And I did. And we were sort of a thing for a little bit and then it got weird, because having a boy like you back is weird. And I did what I have done in the past which is get super awkward and self-conscious and just shut him out.

And to make matters worse, my friend wrote me a really nice and sweet note and basically made me feel like maybe I liked him? And maybe this younger boy was too young? And maybe I should just fall off the face of the earth?

Okay. That was an extreme. What I am saying is that I liked this younger boy and then shut him out and then was like “wait do I like him” after I told him I didn’t like him. What does this mean? Why do I do that?

Why have I not been able to have another actual crush since him?

I haven’t. That’s a fact.

Like I have obviously thought other boys were cute and stuff, but like someone who I genuinely pursued. Nope, no way.

I don’t know what I did. I don’t know why I did it. All I know is I’m confused and I think I have to get over him.

But I don’t know how. And I don’t know if I want too.

 

There are a lot of things that I wish I knew:

I wish I knew how to get acne off my face.

I wish I knew how to make better friends.

I wish I knew what college to go too.

I wish I knew how to deal with liking this younger boy.

I wish I knew what to do.

 

That seemed like a good ending, but I decided to read some wiki how articles and will link them below:

http://www.wikihow.com/Forget-Your-Crush

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Your-Crush-to-Like-You

 

I just realized that there is a potential the boy will see this post and know it is about him. Oh well. Maybe. This will be deleted at some point unless I forget about this blog.

Posted in feelings and shit, Life. My life.

Happiness

My mom and I recently had a conversation in which she said to me “I want you to be happy. Are you happy?”

 

I said no.

Being happy is a feeling I am familiar with. I was happy when I was voted captain of my field hockey team, and when I got a lead in a school play. I was happy when my sister surprised me and came home to see me.

I was happy when I liked my classes, schedule, friends and community.

I’m not happy anymore. I don’t know what happened.

Was it something I did wrong?

Did I push too many people away?

Did I gain weight because I was so stressed?
Part of my unhappiness is my insecurity, I think everyone could agree.

I’m good at speaking to a lot of people, put me on a stage and I will probably be alright, but when I meet a new person it all goes downhill. I don’t know what questions to ask them or what to even say. It sucks. It makes me unhappy.

I’m also fat. Not fat but “are you sure you should eat that?” sized. Trying on dresses for my senior prom stunk. I didn’t like looking at the sizes and seeing a cute dress that would be too small. I didn’t like taking of my clothes and putting on a dress just to look in the mirror and see my protruding stomach or chubby arms.  I am unhappy because I don’t like the way I look.

I also just don’t like people. They’re narcissistic and rude and hypocritical. I don’t think I am not this way, but I have started to notice these qualities in everyone around my and that makes me extremely unhappy.

The world is a cruel place, I want to see it in a bright way but I can’t.

Mom,  I am unhappy.

but I will try to be happier, I will try to smile more and laugh and find joy in the little things because I think the big things are weighing me down. I need to that, because I can’t handle being unhappy anymore.

It hurts.

somewhat shannon