Posted in Life. My life., Uncategorized

Grief

Sometimes it’s hard to recognize when you are hurting.
It’s hard to know why you are hurting, or where exactly.

Sometimes you know exactly why you are hurt.

Sometimes every part of your body, your mind, your heart is hurting because it’s going to be a while until you see someone you love.

Recently, my grandfather passed away.

I am in so much pain I want to curl up in a little ball even if that won’t help.

I want to cry. I want to cry all the time. I want to cry so much I run out of tears.

 

But I can’t. That’s the issue. I don’t know what to do with all of this HURT.

And it’s not anyone’s fault, I don’t blame anyone. I just want to know why and how and how to stop feeling this way.

How do I stop feeling everything so deeply and harshly but not being able to let it out?

Raymond Carver, my favorite poet, wrote short stories and poems, one that was entitled Grief.

Woke up early this morning and from my bed
looked far across the Strait to see
a small boat moving through the choppy water,
a single running light on. Remembered
my friend who used to shout
his dead wife’s name from hilltops
around Perugia. Who set a plate
for her at his simple table long after
she was gone. And opened the windows
so she could have fresh air. Such display
I found embarrassing. So did his other
friends. I couldn’t see it.
Not until this morning.

Raymond Carver
All of Us, The Collected Poems
Vintage Books

This poem doesn’t describe how I feel, but it might describe how others feel.

It’s scary to think that grief affects everyone differently, even if we all feel immense pain. Even if we all feel the same way we have to cope with it and let it out differently. The stages of grief cause us to do different things and be different kinds of people from the ones we want to be.

We just have to remember that everyone in some way feels this. You aren’t ever alone.

 

 

I miss you grandpa, I love you. I’m sorry I didn’t show you as best as I knew how when you were here.

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Posted in Uncategorized

the hot goss

I hold the personal belief that it is very important to not love everyone.

By this I mean that it is important to hate people but of course hate is a strong word. I just mean that we can’t all like everyone, conflict creates progress in a lot of circumstances in the modern world we live in so having conflict through mutual dislike is somewhat crucial to the development of the crazy messed up world we live in.

Conflict can be seen as a physical fight or altercation (my favorite form of conflict) or conflict can be seen as shadily talking shit about people and other forms of gossip that people discourage but deep down inside are thrilled by.

I’m not afraid to admit I love gossip. Even irrelevant gossip. I don’t necessarily love drama but dramatic events and people create gossip. and again, I love gossip therefore by the transitive property I love drama.

It’s thrilling.

Yes, peoples feelings get hurt but honestly?? toughen up a little bit- sometimes, i’ll admit things can go too far, but talking about who is kissing who and things said in passing that were not necessarily kind ARE SO FUN to talk about and to hear.

As humans, we want to know about other humans.

There’s even a field of study for it. You know the field.

 

ANTHROPOLOGY. Humans studying other humans and their behavior.

Behavior like gossip but also behavior like why we do things and did things.

I should be an anthropologist because damn, I would get a lot of good gossip.

 

That’s all for now.

Still me.

Still somewhat shannon.

Posted in I"M STRESSED, Life. My life., Uncategorized

bro.

I’m freaking out.

In less than a week, I leave for a whole month.

I will be gone for my dad’s birthday, my birthday, my cousin’s birthday.

I will be gone for the fourth of july.

I will be gone for so long, and I’m scared.

What if something bad happens to my family?

What if I hate everyone there??

That’s basically it.

 

I’m not packed at all and my room and closet are a mess also just so we are clear.

I also have no clue where my tennis shoes are which is concerning??

I am missing my favorite bra and have very few pairs of underwear and only one swimsuit but yea it’s whatever I am going to freak out now and calm down later hopefully.

Posted in feelings and shit, Uncategorized

You’re trying too hard.

It’s difficult to know when to stop. Or when to go.

It’s hard to tell how other people feel which is why sometimes I will talk so much my mouth gets tired and can only hope that’s what the person wanted to hear.

I try too hard to make friends. I try to make them smile and laugh and like me.

I don’t know when to stop. I just talk or make jokes and eventually it gets lost on them and my personality shines through.

My sad horrible personality.

I don’t know what to do when someone asks me a personal question.

I always answer in the hopes it will make us closer but immediatley regret letting that person in.

The thing is I need to talk to someone.

I need to tell someone how my date went or what my plans are for the week or what’s wrong.

I need someone to talk too who won’t go and share my secrets.

I need someone who loves me for me and doesn’t care that I get angry sometimes and talk too much and have an obnoxious laugh.

I need someone who likes that I try so hard, and maybe tries hard too,

Or maybe doesn’t try at all, which I do sometimes.

Sometimes its easier to completely shut someone out instead of letting them in or getting to know them.

I would rather just be content as myself with myself sometimes than have to deal with getting to know someone new and putting up a few barriers knowing it will be so easy to break them down.

 

Whatever.

It’s complicated because I know that you need to try sometimes, but I just can’t always do it.

I know that I need to shut down at sometimes, but I never know when to do it until after the moment has passed.

Again, whatever.

 

Posted in Uncategorized

Books and Emotions

image
I’m currently on spring break.

I’m not partying in Mexico or tanning in Florida. I’m in a car, on my way to a visit at a college I have very little intent to attend.

In the car, and on the car trip to Chicago over the weekend, I have been reading. I just finished the second book.

I’ll give you the sun by Jandy Nelson and We All Looked Up by Tommy Wallach. Both books were very interesting. Both were heartbreaking. Both had multiple compelling characters. Both made me want to cry. I didn’t cry though.

What does my lack of ability to cry say. I can’t cry anymore unless its about my meaningless problems and potentially my meaningless existence.

I guess I am afraid that if I only cry about my own problems I will become less sympathetic for others, which I don’t want at all.

I recognize that nobody will read this. That’s good. I just needed it to be out there. Pain and heartbreak hurt more in your own life, maybe because I have never truly experienced the sad and bad and fucked up things the characters in these books- these stories- have. I’m okay with that.

 

Posted in Uncategorized

Just an Update

This is an update on my life, and how it is going.

I guess I haven’t posted because I have been busy, but by busy I really mean doing nothing.

It is my Christmas break right now, so I have been procrastinating the loads of homework I have to do for a little over a week now, and am continuing to do it in this blog post.

This is a short list of the things I need to do:

College Applications- yes I haven’t finished them all yet.

Memorize my lines for the play I am in- It’s called Wiley and the Hairy Man, I play the Hairy Man.

My Internal Assessment for IB World History- yeah no this is bad I have so much left to do and I have not done it.

Reread and prepare for IB Literature Individual Oral Commentary- yeah no this is also bad.

Clean my closet- it is a MESS

Clean my desk- yea of course I do without a clean desk how am I gonna do anything else.

Lose weight- yeah its the new year and I am still not skinny

drink water- pretty basic but I like don’t drink enough water…

My life is good, but stressful. I hope I can post more. I think I will be able too.

I guess it doesn’t matter because there is probably nobody reading this. But it is nice to have a creative outlet like this.

Posted in Uncategorized

Bucket List

We will begin.

THIS SUMMER:

  • Blog at least 3 times a week
  • Learn how to do a 4 strand braid
  • Do yoga
  • Start a bullet journal
  • Go up north with Madison
  • Learn how to grill
  • Swim in a lake
  • Change my hair- I don’t know how, I just want to do it
  • Make ice cream
  • Hunger Games Marathon

LIKE IN LIFE:

  • Swim with dolphins
  • Visit Australia
  • Climb a mountain
Posted in Uncategorized

I don’t know what I am doing.

This is my blog.

One day, I will pay for a domain, but that day is not today. I am a high school senior who recently lost her wallet and just broke up with her first real boyfriend and who has no money.

I had a job once for like 3 months and it was really nice. But I have school. And stuff.

Anyway.

I am a high school senior and nobody has ever told me I could write a screenplay.

I feel like that, in itself, is me being held back from my potential. Like, I could write a screenplay, but that has never been a viable option for me because for starters I have no clue how to write a screenplay. Like what format do I put it in, the only one I know is MLA. I don’t know like the complicated version of MLA, the MLA Advanced or whatever, the one you select on noodle bib for citations for any assignment, I genuinely have no clue how to do that.

Back to my screenplay. Well, not my screenplay because I think for something to be a screenplay it has to contain like relevant material and be somewhat I don’t know of the format that could someday be made into a movie. That’s what a screenplay is right? Like the script and details and plot and all that of a movie? I don’t even know that. Someday I could be a screenplay writer except WAIT I don’t know what it is.

I could go to four years of college, and get a degree in something fancy or probably basic- but not something like finance- and move to Hollywood or somewhere screenplay writers, or are they screenwriters, live. I could live there and become one of them, which apparently I need a degree  for because every job you need a college degree. Anyway, I will write screenplays that are really bad for probably 3 years and then I will write a good one. Maybe. And it will be made into a movie. Or whatever. And some high school senior is going to watch that movie and not give a single fuck about the screenplay writer. Actually, they probably don’t even know what a screenplay is.

This is potentially the worst thing ever written. Anyway, I have very few friends to be completely honest so I will probably post again soon.

Somewhat Shannon

Also, It has become very relevant in my life that college is a thing, if you didn’t realize. I have to start working on my common application. That’s some scary shit.

Posted in Uncategorized

My “Random” Blog Theme

My blog has no theme, as of right now. I will probably not come up with one anytime soon but I felt the need to inform you.

This will be a basic blog with basic posts about my life and other happenings. I don’t really care who reads it because I don’t care about anything enough to, you know, REALLY get into blogging. I think that’s a problem.

You know, I should be able to be committed to something big. Bigger than watching movies in my room until 2 am. Bigger than going to school for x number of years.

I should be able to commit to blogging. I should be able to commit to playing a sport. I should be able to commit to being a part of a club, or a school play, or whatever. I can. I will.

There are so many things I could be really good at, I just have never gotten the chance to figure it out because I have never actually been committed to them.

This summer I am going to try new things. I will make a bucket list per say, its a new page, and keep updating it, on what I want to do this summer, and who I want to be going into senior year of high school.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this blog will be random, because I can be a little random. That doesn’t mean that I want to find my identity in being random. By that I mean I don’t want to be random. I want to be Shannon. Or at least somewhat.