Posted in feelings and shit, Life. My life.

Happiness

My mom and I recently had a conversation in which she said to me “I want you to be happy. Are you happy?”

 

I said no.

Being happy is a feeling I am familiar with. I was happy when I was voted captain of my field hockey team, and when I got a lead in a school play. I was happy when my sister surprised me and came home to see me.

I was happy when I liked my classes, schedule, friends and community.

I’m not happy anymore. I don’t know what happened.

Was it something I did wrong?

Did I push too many people away?

Did I gain weight because I was so stressed?
Part of my unhappiness is my insecurity, I think everyone could agree.

I’m good at speaking to a lot of people, put me on a stage and I will probably be alright, but when I meet a new person it all goes downhill. I don’t know what questions to ask them or what to even say. It sucks. It makes me unhappy.

I’m also fat. Not fat but “are you sure you should eat that?” sized. Trying on dresses for my senior prom stunk. I didn’t like looking at the sizes and seeing a cute dress that would be too small. I didn’t like taking of my clothes and putting on a dress just to look in the mirror and see my protruding stomach or chubby arms.  I am unhappy because I don’t like the way I look.

I also just don’t like people. They’re narcissistic and rude and hypocritical. I don’t think I am not this way, but I have started to notice these qualities in everyone around my and that makes me extremely unhappy.

The world is a cruel place, I want to see it in a bright way but I can’t.

Mom,  I am unhappy.

but I will try to be happier, I will try to smile more and laugh and find joy in the little things because I think the big things are weighing me down. I need to that, because I can’t handle being unhappy anymore.

It hurts.

somewhat shannon

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Posted in cawlidge, Life. My life.

decisions

I am a very indecisive person.

I have trouble choosing what shoes to wear, or what kind of ice cream to get.

Big decisions are even harder.

Big decisions i.e. college.

College. The next four years of my life. My future.

I’m stressed. This is a big choice. I don’t want to mess it up.

This decision is prompted by the impending date that is May 1st. When I will NEED to know.

I have 4 schools that I am seriously still looking at. I think.

Penn State University- both of my sisters went, club field hockey, far but not too far, big, party school, lots of options, Ice hockey team

Indiana University- still big, club field hockey, far but not too far, pretty (like so pretty), nice college town, diverse foods, language department huge

University of Dayton- close, friends going… literally idk I applied because one of my teachers told me I would like it (he was also  an alum so can I trust him??)

Centre College- far, small, D3 field hockey, nice people, pretty

The issue is no matter where I go, I will be outside my comfort zone.

I will have to adapt. I will have to change. What if I don’t want to change? What if I like who I am now? I’m not perfect but nobody is and that’s okay so why do I have to make myself different? To fit in. To make friends. To become who I am meant to be.

Maybe.

This is a big decision and I don’t know if I have it in me to make the right choice.

Posted in Uncategorized

Books and Emotions

image
I’m currently on spring break.

I’m not partying in Mexico or tanning in Florida. I’m in a car, on my way to a visit at a college I have very little intent to attend.

In the car, and on the car trip to Chicago over the weekend, I have been reading. I just finished the second book.

I’ll give you the sun by Jandy Nelson and We All Looked Up by Tommy Wallach. Both books were very interesting. Both were heartbreaking. Both had multiple compelling characters. Both made me want to cry. I didn’t cry though.

What does my lack of ability to cry say. I can’t cry anymore unless its about my meaningless problems and potentially my meaningless existence.

I guess I am afraid that if I only cry about my own problems I will become less sympathetic for others, which I don’t want at all.

I recognize that nobody will read this. That’s good. I just needed it to be out there. Pain and heartbreak hurt more in your own life, maybe because I have never truly experienced the sad and bad and fucked up things the characters in these books- these stories- have. I’m okay with that.

 

Posted in MOVIES

Why Wes Anderson is wonderful and I am not.

Wes Anderson has made some art.

This is a fact.

Moonrise Kingdom is one of my favorite movies. Fantastic Mr. Fox is honestly genius. The Grand Budapest Hotel can’t fail to make me happy.

 

fantastic mr fox
bogus bunce and bean

The issue is I do NOT like Owen Wilson, and he is in a lot of Wes Anderson films. So is Jason Schwartzman, but I love Jason Schwarztman.

 

Jason Schwartzmann
yay for jason//the best

I love his use of wide shots and then close ups. I love the symmetrical framing.I love the quick cuts. I love the characters in his movies. I love that I feel real emotions when I’m watching his movies.

He is the only director whose style I can really recognize, and I like that.

He is wonderful.

I say that I am not because I don’t think I can do what he does.

I can’t move people to emotion, unless that emotion is laughter or disdain I think.

I don’t really know how to create art, or what the best aspects of art are. I don’t understand how people are so creative to create wonderful and unique things like movies or books or paintings.

I will never be a complex Wes Anderson lead or even a minor clever or witty background character. I will just be a bitch that people don’t like because they don’t care to see my perspective or because, perhaps, I AM a bitch- which I guess would be okay

.

max

 

Posted in Life. My life.

Dislike

I am sick.

I have been sick for over a week.

I have performed for an audience 3 times in that over a week period of being sick.

I have stayed home from school for 1 full day and 3 over half days. I have ate hardly anything other than chicken noodle soup and the other foods I have consumed have not been delicious.

I have done very little homework and still gotten very little sleep. I have drank probably 4 gallons of water and 2 gallons of hot tea. I have consumed a lot of honey with said tea. I have seen the doctor. She said I would be sick with this virus for 5-10 days. It is the 10th day exactly.

I am supposed to start my period tomorrow. I have horrible skin. I have acne suddenly growing on my face. I am mad.

I have no tolerance for being sick anymore. I have a desire to eat ice cream all day. I have an essay due last week that I have not started. I have wrote one horrible blog post right now. I have no regrets (other than being sick and not starting my essay and not being asleep right now).

Posted in Life. My life.

Well…

I don’t have a lot of friends.

There. I said it.

I think I don’t have a lot of friends because I am not a nice person. I also said that.

I’m not mean, I just don’t have a philosophy that tells me to be nice to people around me, which is probably bad.

Okay. Here goes.

I have three friends who are not related to me. My sisters and my cousin are my other friends. Here are some pics of them.

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Two of them are super close and I am like a third wheel to them. I’m glad we are friends but I feel like I have to force inclusion which stinks… The picture above is of them and me.

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My other friend is cool and we have the same sense of humor but sometimes I think she hates me and other times I’m like “it’s just her personality.” You never know. The picture is us and her sister and it is from a while ago. Hype.

I lost a lot of my friends in 2016. I think I’m okay with that because they caused a lot of my anxiety but now I’m sad about it because, as I said, I don’t have a lot of friends.

I also have trouble asking people to hang out and stuff. Like what do I say. What can we do together. I just want to watch movies. Ugh.

This is a short post because writing it makes me sad. I want more friends. I want people to go get ice cream with and hang out with and watch movies with. I want people to think I am funny. Is that so bad??

Posted in Uncategorized

Just an Update

This is an update on my life, and how it is going.

I guess I haven’t posted because I have been busy, but by busy I really mean doing nothing.

It is my Christmas break right now, so I have been procrastinating the loads of homework I have to do for a little over a week now, and am continuing to do it in this blog post.

This is a short list of the things I need to do:

College Applications- yes I haven’t finished them all yet.

Memorize my lines for the play I am in- It’s called Wiley and the Hairy Man, I play the Hairy Man.

My Internal Assessment for IB World History- yeah no this is bad I have so much left to do and I have not done it.

Reread and prepare for IB Literature Individual Oral Commentary- yeah no this is also bad.

Clean my closet- it is a MESS

Clean my desk- yea of course I do without a clean desk how am I gonna do anything else.

Lose weight- yeah its the new year and I am still not skinny

drink water- pretty basic but I like don’t drink enough water…

My life is good, but stressful. I hope I can post more. I think I will be able too.

I guess it doesn’t matter because there is probably nobody reading this. But it is nice to have a creative outlet like this.

Posted in MOVIES

Romantic Comedies.

There’s something that has always been captivating to me about romantic comedies. It’s distracting really, considering I should be doing my summer homework instead of watching Julia Roberts movies illegally online.

Speaking of, I am not sure that I like Julia Roberts. I don’t hate her, but I also don’t love her. I love Julia Stiles. 10 Things I Hate About You is maybe one of my favorite movies of all time.

The thing about it is, its predictable but all of the characters have a lot of heart and soul.

Young Joseph Gordon-Levitt is very much heart eyes emoji.

 

This is a very short post. Partially bored. Partially unclear what to post. Partially procrastination. Partially word vomit.

This was nice.

SomewhatShannon

Posted in Life. My life.

Spicy Boys

I went on a trip to Colorado.

That’s why I haven’t blogged lately.

It wasn’t really a vacation type trip. It was a camp. A Younglife summer camp called Wilderness.

We hiked in the mountains of Colorado for 6 days and 5 nights. We ate in a circle for every meal, and talked, and prayed and learned more about each other than I thought was possible.

It was a really hard week.

My social anxiety was at an all time high I think. It made it harder.

Having to share things, and listen to all those things strangers and friends had to say, and knowing that I had to hike 5 miles the next day, made it hard. I had 2 panic attacks during the week.

That’s okay.

My Patrol consisted of 2 male guides, 5 boy campers and their leader, me, and 5 of my “friends” and our leader.

The boys in our group were from Eastern Ottowa Michigan, which I guess is outside of Grand Rapids.

I don’t know what I am really trying to say. This was a week, and I thought it would be a lot crazier than it was, or harder.

It was hard mentally mainly.

The mountain that we peaked was beautiful though. I’m so thankful. It was beautiful.

Maybe my life has changed. We will see.

Posted in Uncategorized

Bucket List

We will begin.

THIS SUMMER:

  • Blog at least 3 times a week
  • Learn how to do a 4 strand braid
  • Do yoga
  • Start a bullet journal
  • Go up north with Madison
  • Learn how to grill
  • Swim in a lake
  • Change my hair- I don’t know how, I just want to do it
  • Make ice cream
  • Hunger Games Marathon

LIKE IN LIFE:

  • Swim with dolphins
  • Visit Australia
  • Climb a mountain
Posted in MOVIES

The Mighty Ducks

Another post about another movie franchise I guess.

I just marathon watched all three movies. SO GOOD.

To be honest, I think it’s just because I love Joshua Jackson (Charlie Conway, Pacey in Dawson’s Creek), but I also love how distinct every character is. None of them play the same, or dress the same, or say the same things. For child actors from the start, they were good.

I wish I could be like that, even it was my only film job ever. Just to be in a film franchise like that, to be like Marguerite Moreau- she played Connie Moreau.

I just thought it was so cool how their team had a girl on it, I mean Julie and Tammy played with the ducks but Connie was the only one who was with them the whole time.

I wish I could have seen what happened to characters, like Tammy, or the Hall twins after certain films… BUT I am glad that most of the kids did come back.

For instance, Adam Banks-whom I love.And Guy Germaine-whom I also love.

I really appreciate how little sense this post makes.

That’s all for now I guess.

Watch The Mighty Ducks. Epic films. Epic story.

Somewhat Shannon

Posted in MOVIES

The Hunger Games

Recently, I have watched an excessive amount of Hunger Games and Catching Fire clips on Youtube.

I could just watch the full movie on a website somewhere but instead I just watch clips. It’s really bad.

I haven’t seen Mockingjay, partially because the book confused the hell out of me- and I figured the movie would be worse. I bet it isn’t. I will make my cousin marathon watch it with me later this summer. I’m gonna add that to the bucket list.

The concept of the Hunger Games is so cool to me. Also Ceaser Flickermann. Love. Him. So. Much. Peeta Mellark. JOSH HUTCHERSON.

ALSO, if you haven’t already WATCH the movie RV. Josh Hutcherson is so funny in it. Mainly because he is young and like attempting to be a cool street kid or something.

This is such a bad post I don’t know what I am thinking.

Goodbye.

Shannon. Somewhat.